T: Today we are going to move on to the highest memory on your
hierarchy, and that is Drew’s death at the hospital. Are you ready?
M: Yes, I think it’s time.
T: I’m going to ask you to use the present tense and incorporate as many
details as possible: What you are seeing, what you are hearing, what you
are smelling, what you are feeling, all of those things. I might ask you
some questions along the way. You will have a record of this story on
your phone. Go ahead and press record, when you are ready. Before we
begin, what is your level of distress?
M: About a ninety-five.
T: Very high, okay. If you feel comfortable, close your eyes or you can
just keep your eyes open looking down, and tell me about the day that
Drew died.
M: Okay. I’m going to his hospital room. I brought him flowers because
once a week I bring him flowers to remind him that his hospital room
doesn’t have to be this stinky, sterile place; especially since he is
spending more and more of his time here.
T: What do the flowers look like?
M: The flowers are red. They are tulips. I’m not able to afford much so
they’re in a small vase. I’m thankful I have these flowers to carry with
me. It always smells so bad in here, like ammonia and death. The flowers
cover up as much as they can. When I bring them into his room, it’s even
worse. It smells like urine and feces, and there are nurses in his room.
One tells me I can’t be in here. They’re taking care of him, and they’ve
tried this s**t before where they don’t want us in the rooms caring for
each other. I know what they think of us. I usually argue with them, and
they’ll leave us alone for a few minutes, so I can tell Drew “Hi.” But
they don’t listen to me this time. They start pushing me out of the
room. I tell them, “I have to at least give him his flowers today. If
you’re not going to let me see him, I’m giving him his flowers.” I
scoot past the nurse standing at the doorway, and I go to set the
flowers on Drew’s windowsill. I turn and look at him and he already
looks dead. His skin has no color. He’s emaciated. He always used to
have abs. But now he is just skin and bones. He has those sores all over
his body now, too. They started on his face, and I know that’s gotta
upset him because he had such a pretty face.
He just looks pitiful. He’s just looking off at the room. He doesn’t
even look up at me. It’s like he’s not even here. He’s brain dead or
something. Even when I tell him, “Drew, I brought your flowers”, he
didn’t even move to look at me. It is so hard thinking about all of the
times we would go out. Everybody would be all over him because Drew was
the lively one. He could make friends with anybody, and he’s the reason
I met so many people when I started to come out to the scene. It’s hard
to see him this way.
T: What’s going through your mind as you see him lying there?
M: Well, first I feel very sorry for him, because it’s hard seeing
somebody you love going through that. I selfishly think about myself
because I know that will be me one day. I know I will be the one
somebody will pity. As much as I want to be there for him, part of me
wants to run.
T: What happens next?
M: I am leaving the room. I go to the pay phone and I call Thomas, our
other friend. I let him know that Drew’s not doing good, and I wait in
the waiting room for him to swing by. I’m asking everybody what’s
happening with him. I am sure the nurse is cussing me out because I must
be going to the Nurse’s Station every five minutes. When Thomas gets to
the hospital, I go grab a bite to eat from the cafeteria. When I get
back, Thomas tells me that Drew passed. They didn’t let me spend any
time with him on his last day.
T: What’s your level of distress right now?
M: Eighty.
T: Okay. Is there anything else about this memory that would be
important to share?
M: I feel angry. Angry at the nurses who didn’t seem to care. Angry at
the world for blaming gay people for this virus. I’ve never shared this
with anyone, but I think as the years went by, I even felt angry at
Drew. For leaving me to deal with this mess, this homophobic world by
myself. And maybe just for leaving me alone.
T: I see, okay. Let’s go ahead and stop the recording there. So,
Michael, you did it. You got through the worst memory on the hierarchy.
I want you to take a deep breath. Look around the room. Now see that you
are safe. You’re at home. I’m here with you virtually. Let’s look at
this list of emotions. You mentioned anger. I’m wondering right now, as
you have just told me this memory, how much anger are you feeling right
now on a scale of zero to ten.
M: Well, in regard to Drew, I really don’t know what to make of that.
Can we skip that for right now?
T: Okay. What about the nurses?
M: About a two. They didn’t have to treat us like they did when we were
in the hospital trying to be there for the people that we love that had
nobody else. But I know it was a time when I don’t think any of us knew
what we were dealing with. So, everybody was more scared.
T: Okay. That brings us to another emotion, fear or feeling scared. What
number would you give that, zero to ten?
M: I would say seven, especially with COVID. If AIDS hasn’t taken me out
yet. Covid will.
T: Okay, and what about sadness?
M: I would say nine or ten. That’s the strongest.
T: Tell me more about that.
M: I try not to think very much about the people that I lost during that
time. If I don’t think about it, it’s not happening again. I feel like I
just re-lived the situation, and I’m losing Drew all over again. I wish
he could have seen what’s happened in the last forty years in the world
that he missed out on.
T: You know, I’m so proud of you for acknowledging those feelings. I
know that doesn’t come easily to you.
M: Yeah, I feel like I almost have a friend with me when I’m talking
about Drew, because he truly cared about me. He’s one of the only people
I think I ever could be myself around.
T: Yeah, and I know you mentioned he really took you under his wing and
helped you navigate the scene.
M: Yeah, I didn’t know anything about anything. I didn’t know how to
talk to a guy, he showed me that it wasn’t as hard as I thought it was.
You know his parents didn’t accept him, either, but he cared a lot less
than I did and he showed me how to be myself.
T: You mentioned that you even felt angry at Drew - for dying.
M. I suppose what I really feel is sad. I miss him. Whoah! I think I
need to emotion surf for a minute.
T: Go ahead.
M: It’s so painful. I feel pain in my chest. Like my heart is literally
breaking.
T: Take your time… What do you think he would want to say to you
right now?
M: He’d probably tell me that he’s glad I’m still alive, and that he
still loves me. He didn’t abandon me. He just died. I think he would say
that he wishes he could be here with me. I wonder if he would have
thought I would have turned into this angry person or if he thought I’d
have more of the friends that we used to have.
T: Sounds like he would want you to have a rich, full life, whatever
that would mean for you, just like he showed you how to be free so many
years ago. I suspect he’d want you to still be free right now. This
reminds me of one of those very important relationship models that we
had identified, which is, if I feel close to someone, then they will
leave me. That’s exactly what happened here and happened a lot in your
life. I know you’ve been working on allowing yourself the possibility to
maybe feel closeness with someone. Maybe things can be different now.
M: Yeah, I think after Drew died, I realized that if I never would have
gotten close to him, I wouldn’t have been hurt when he died because I
wouldn’t have known him. I’ve missed out on so much of life because I
push people away. I want to have relationships with people. I just don’t
want to lose them anymore.
T: Of course. You just said it: if you had never known him, it wouldn’t
have hurt you when he died; but you would have never known him. What a
terrible price to pay!
M: Absolutely. Yeah, I can’t imagine what my life would be like if I
wouldn’t have met him.
T: I also am thinking about the fact that you weren’t allowed to be with
him at the very end, and he was alone. I know that’s something that now,
in the present, you feel safer being alone. I’m wondering if it’s also
in the service of asking yourself, “what difference does it make,
anyway? I’m gonna die alone, too.” I am curious if that’s a thought
that you have had.
M: Yeah, and especially the way I pitied him when he was laying in the
bed. If I don’t have anybody to pity me, then I’m not going to be pitied
when I eventually die.
T: Pity is one way of putting it. Compassion might be another.
M: I guess I do lose the opportunity for somebody to care for me when I
die, to bring me flowers. That’s right.
T: I imagine it brings you some comfort to know that his last day you
were there, and he had flowers and some beauty in his life at the very
end.
M: I would like to think that if he did know what was going on, the
flowers might have been the last thing he saw of the world in his final
days.
T: And what is your level of distress now?
M: 20