Late Phase of Therapy: Making Meaning and Supporting
Changes
The late phase in EFT is focused on reflecting on painful, as well as
newly emerging emotions and helping clients make sense of their
emotional experience. In addition, to support the transformation of
emotion schemes, the therapist validates and supports new feelings and
responses and the client’s emerging sense of self. To support John in
transforming the shame in relation to his father and his feeling of
entitlement of his unmet need to be loved and cared for by his father,
the therapist asks John to imagine how his deceased father would respond
and helps him put words to his new internal experience of his remorseful
father:
Therapist: How do you think your father would feel now, beyond his
grave, if he were to hear how much you’ve suffered?
John: Hmmm. Sad and sorry.
Therapist: Can you be your dad and put words to how he would feel sad
and sorry?
John: okay
Therapist: As your dad can you express it directly to John in the other
chair?
John: [as father, says tearfully] It really wasn’t about you…
I was sick… I wish I had been a better father…. I can
understand if you don’t believe it. … You didn’t deserve the way
I treated you… You were a good kid and I loved you. I know I
didn’t show it, but I did…
Therapist: [to father part] Can you tell him what you love about
him?
John: [as father] You are my son; I love you just for that. You
don’t have to do anything more than to be my son. There was nothing
wrong with you! I was defective!
Therapist: That sounds very important! Can you tell him again, I love
you just because you are my son, there was nothing wrong with you!
…
John: [as father says tearfully] It was my loss, I missed out on
knowing you and your family. I missed out on all of these important
events…. I’m so sorry…
Therapist: Tell him more about what you’re sorry for…
It surprises John that he feels forgiveness towards his father and
following this significant change in feeling, he also has a shift in
meaning regarding his father. His narrative of his dad starts to change
from, “He would have treated me differently if I was lovable” to, “He
was an alcoholic who was not mentally well and had an abusive childhood
himself. He was not capable”. The therapist helps John accept and make
sense of these important changes in both feeling and meaning. In
addition, the therapist suggests that if it fits for John, it would be
helpful to take some time to reflect on and write about what his current
feelings are, and any other feelings that are coming up regarding the
work they have been doing.
In the following session, John conveys that he has been reflecting a lot
on things and feels like there has been a significant emotional shift:
John: It’s an acceptance of some kind, that this relationship will never
be, and it is sad, letting go of the unmet needs. I accept the fact that
I won’t ever have that, that parental child relationship and all the
things that could have been. I accept the fact that he’s the cause of my
suffering, directly and indirectly. I let go of that. … I am
reflecting on the fact that it was such a long time this painful
relationship has gone on. It always amazes me that I have been affected
by his behavior this whole time. I am grieving, it’s sad to be in a
position that I have to forgive my father for being a terrible father,
but I have.
The therapist validates John’s healthy grief and sadness, as well as the
meaning and importance of letting go of these unmet needs and helps John
to reflect on what he needs from himself to move forward. In addition,
John and his therapist make meaning of the impact of his abusive
childhood on him, particularly feeling worthless and unlovable, and John
reflects on the various ways in which shame has affected his life. For
example, John talks about having difficulty opening up and getting close
to family and friends for fear that others would see that he was
“unlovable” and “worthless”. John expresses poignantly that this has
contributed to his loneliness because it has been hard to feel
comfortable being himself with others. Through the process of
co-constructing new meaning with the therapist, John conveys that his
narrative of “I am unlovable and worthless,” has now changed to,
“Because my father was sick and abusive, I was scared of being myself
with others and they couldn’t get close to me.” In addition, John makes
sense of his past anger issues as he realizes that he has a sensitivity
to feeling shame, originating from his early experiences in his
relationship with his father. This unhealthy emotion scheme of shame
triggered John to react with secondary anger or rage when he felt that
people were rejecting him or looking down on him. Furthermore, John
reflects on how his feelings of shame would worsen because of feeling
embarrassed after getting angry with others. John shares that more
recently he has been able to have better conversations with family
because he is not feeling triggered as much, and when he is, he reports
that he is able to regulate himself and come back to the conversation in
a healthy way. Through encouragement, empathy, validation, and
experiential teaching, the therapist supports John’s newly emerging
healthy self-organization, and co-explores how John wants to carry
forward these internal and external changes in his daily life.
John’s emerging need to be accepted unconditionally is now supported by
a more compassionate part of self (formerly the self-protective critic).
His therapist encourages John to engage in between-session activities to
strengthen and carry forward these changes. To the end, therapist asks
John, “What do you need from yourself to heal from a childhood where
you felt so worthless, ashamed and unloved?” He replies assuredly, “I
need to allow myself to get the care and love I deserve from others.”
When asked to be more specific about what this might look like, John
stated that he wanted to open up to his wife about some of the work he
was doing in therapy. John was asked to imagine in what contexts he
could do this over the week, and he noted a few opportunities and that
he would like to try. The therapist helps him envision and specify the
between-session task:
Therapist: This sounds like a wonderful idea. It’s a very important need
and an important way to heal this loneliness you’ve been feeling. Do you
have any ideas of what you would want to open up about?
John: Maybe to talk to her about the work we have been doing regarding
my dad.
Therapist: That sounds great! Could you imagine doing that? What do you
think her response would be?
John: I think she would be happy to hear anything personal from
me….
Therapist: I know this is something that has been hard for you to do, so
it’s okay to if it doesn’t go exactly as you want, but even trying to
put yourself out there with her is so important. Perhaps you can tell
her to be patient with you as it’s a work in progress?
John: [laughs] yes, she is already very patient.
Therapist: When we try new things, they can seem hard at first. Since
this is new, I might suggest, that you make sure that you can protect a
time with her where you know it’s a good time for her and that you have
her attention and that she understands that you want to talk to her
about something important.
In this example, having John visualize the task and provide specificity
makes the task more feasible. Furthermore, the therapist’s expectation
that the goal is to explore and see what happens, and to predict that it
is expected and very okay that it may not go as planned, makes the task
more approachable.